Realizations

I am not sure if I have mentioned this, but when I moved out from the apartment that my ex and I shared I couldn't afford to move anywhere else so I moved into the vacant unit right next door.  Not what I should have done but what am I going to do now, I still can't afford to move anywhere else.  Anyway, the other night I had a mutual friend of me and my ex come to my door at 1:30am drunk, like vomit all over his shirt drunk.  He only came to my door because he knew that my exes new girlfriend was over and he didn't want to impose on them.  So I told him to go take a shower (becasue he had puked all over himself) and then when he went into the bathroom I went and knocked on my exes door and told him what was going on and he came over (much to his girlfriends distaste) and helped me deal with it.  And we ended up calling 911 because he was just getting worse, he had lost all control of bodily functions all over my bathroom and I honestly thought he was going to die right there on my bathroom floor!!

Anyway, that was a few weeks ago and he got out of the hospital and was going to stay with my ex for a bit while he was doing some sort of rehab but 3 days of living with my ex and his new girlfriend and he was about ready to beat the shit out of her!  She was trying to boss him around and treating him like shit and my ex never stood up for him and he let her treat him like that!!  And she doesn't even live there, I mean, she has moved herself right in, but her name is not on the lease!!  And she was trying to get him to talk shit about me when my ex wasn't home and they were both telling him how crazy I was and that they were going to get a restraining order against me just to force me to move.  :-(  I have done nothing to this bitch, I haven't even met her, have not said one word to her!  she tried to run me down while I was taking the trash out because I glared at her!  wtf!?

Anyway, my friend and my ex got into a huge fight tonight and he came over and we talked for a couple hours.  We bitched about my exes new girlfriend and he was telling all about how she treats him like shit, like worse than I ever treated him.  And how she is the crazy one and is mean hearted.  I honestly don't know why he would have left me for her.

But my friend is right, I need to really let my ex go and just not have any contact with him at all (its not like we actually see each other even though we live right next to each other).  He was saying how he thinks my ex is getting some sort of satisfaction knowing that if things went bad with his new girlfriend right now, or any time in the near future, that he could come crawling back to me and I would take him back and he wouldn't have to be alone.  And its true and it needs to not be true...I need to sever all ties to him, as hard as that will be for me, I am not a safety net for him.  He jumped from one serious relationship to another one before the old one was even done with, and me, I am on my own, my situation has drastically changed and I need to embrace it, I need to truly move on, I have come to realize that as long as this other woman is in the picture, my ex and I can't be friends.  And it hurts me so much that he is choosing this horrible person that treats him far worse than I ever treated him, over a friendship with me.

I lost... :-(

It has been exactly a month since I last wrote.  I moved about 2 weeks ago, just into the unit next door from my old place but it is a place of my own and I'm not living with my ex, so that is something.  He is officially in a new relationship with one of his coworkers, Erin, and she has practically moved herself right in with him (he is still in our old unit).  He keeps saying that he won't let her move in with him, but he has...she even has her little dog over there too.

Us being friends has kind of fizzled.  She has told him point blank that he isn't to have any kind of contact with me for fear that I will seduce him away from her.  If she is that worried about him cheating on her and/or leaving her to come back to me, than she has issues.  He has made it very clear where I stand and the fact that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore (and hasn't for over a year).  But he is afraid that if he goes behind her back to hang out with me and txt with me that she will find out and that she will blow up and be mad at him and cause him all sorts of stress and drama.  And when we had been hanging out I would get frustrated at him because he was so stressed about her randomly showing up or finding out that he was with me and that caused him stress and drama with me and he just couldn't take it from both sides anymore.  So of course he chose her.  :-(

We had a fight the other day and he hasn't spoken to me since.  I had tried to convince him to have the 3 of us sit down and talk and to get her to understand that she has nothing to fear from us remaining friends.  Yes, we have a history together, but it is in the past and he has made that very clear...to me at least.  Why she can't wrap her head around that concept is beyond me.  I just txted him about an hour ago asking him to come over and talk to me so I can figure out where we stand but he hasn't responded or come over yet...so I have a feeling that he has made his final decision and decided that us being friends isn't going to work out...all because he is unwilling to fight for it and to defend the idea to his new girlfriend

He has been telling me for the last month or so that he didn't want to cut me out of his life completely and that he was willing to fight for us to remain friends and that he wasn't going to let her control who his friends are...but when it really mattered and it came time for him to truly fight for our friendship...he threw in the towel...he gave in to her demands and ultimatums of her or me...he chose her...even though we hadn't really been working and thriving as a romantic couple, we still had good times together and I thought that he really did care about keeping me in his life even if it was just as a friend.

I obviously still have feelings for him and those won't go away over night, but I was willing to hide them and to just enjoy hanging out and eventually I would have found someone else and we could be truly happy for each other that we had found other people to love and to be with but he has made the choice that keeping his ex-girlfriend (a person that he doesn't see any kind of romantic future with) around wasn't worth loosing his new girlfriend who he might have a future with...