Spent the day at home today just hanging out enjoying the rain outside. It was really nice compared to all the heat we have had the last few weeks. One of the reasons I have stayed in the pacific northwest all these years is the weather, among other things. I hate when we have crazy heat waves though!
I have actually been thinking though, for awhile now actually...I am tired of the family drama and I'm tired of the fact that all of my so called friends have left and want nothing to do with me. And alot of that I'm sure is my own fault, but still. And now that Joseph and I aren't together anymore and he is having a blast sleeping around with all these women and doesn't really seem to miss me all that much...I really have nothing truly holding me here anymore. I have been honestly thinking about just packing me and Bessie up and leaving and not looking back. I have experience at several large companies and so I could probably get a job easily wherever I choose to go...I just want a fresh start somewhere where no one knows me.
It really bothers me that he is just sleeping with all these people like its nothing..in the last month he has been slept with 2 girls (many times each) and now starting tomorrow he is adding another one to his growing list of whores...does he even care that him flaunting his sex life in front of me a month after we broke up is hurting me so bad!? I don't think that he does...when we were together I dragged him down sexually and he is making up for lost time I guess. He was the only person I have ever been with and so if he wanted something different or special than he needed to let me know...you know!? I'm not a mind reader...I don't know that you are bored in bed unless you tell me. And what really pisses me off is that I have been telling him for years that we needed to spice things up...I wanted to try new things and he never wanted to. And it was always about him and his wants and needs in bed...he never seemed to care that I wasn't satisfied with our sex life either. What I need to do is go out and start sleeping with a bunch of guys and gaining experience and figuring out exactly what I want sexually...but in order to do that you need to be able to go out and have a life and I really don't want to bring anyone home...my bed is the bed Joseph and I have shared the last 5 years and I just feel weird about sharing it with anyone else...and I know that is stupid and sentimental but I just can't get over that.
I just don't know about anything anymore...I have no idea what I want out of life...I have no idea where I am going or where I will end up and it is scary and I don't like it...
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