Realizations

I am not sure if I have mentioned this, but when I moved out from the apartment that my ex and I shared I couldn't afford to move anywhere else so I moved into the vacant unit right next door.  Not what I should have done but what am I going to do now, I still can't afford to move anywhere else.  Anyway, the other night I had a mutual friend of me and my ex come to my door at 1:30am drunk, like vomit all over his shirt drunk.  He only came to my door because he knew that my exes new girlfriend was over and he didn't want to impose on them.  So I told him to go take a shower (becasue he had puked all over himself) and then when he went into the bathroom I went and knocked on my exes door and told him what was going on and he came over (much to his girlfriends distaste) and helped me deal with it.  And we ended up calling 911 because he was just getting worse, he had lost all control of bodily functions all over my bathroom and I honestly thought he was going to die right there on my bathroom floor!!

Anyway, that was a few weeks ago and he got out of the hospital and was going to stay with my ex for a bit while he was doing some sort of rehab but 3 days of living with my ex and his new girlfriend and he was about ready to beat the shit out of her!  She was trying to boss him around and treating him like shit and my ex never stood up for him and he let her treat him like that!!  And she doesn't even live there, I mean, she has moved herself right in, but her name is not on the lease!!  And she was trying to get him to talk shit about me when my ex wasn't home and they were both telling him how crazy I was and that they were going to get a restraining order against me just to force me to move.  :-(  I have done nothing to this bitch, I haven't even met her, have not said one word to her!  she tried to run me down while I was taking the trash out because I glared at her!  wtf!?

Anyway, my friend and my ex got into a huge fight tonight and he came over and we talked for a couple hours.  We bitched about my exes new girlfriend and he was telling all about how she treats him like shit, like worse than I ever treated him.  And how she is the crazy one and is mean hearted.  I honestly don't know why he would have left me for her.

But my friend is right, I need to really let my ex go and just not have any contact with him at all (its not like we actually see each other even though we live right next to each other).  He was saying how he thinks my ex is getting some sort of satisfaction knowing that if things went bad with his new girlfriend right now, or any time in the near future, that he could come crawling back to me and I would take him back and he wouldn't have to be alone.  And its true and it needs to not be true...I need to sever all ties to him, as hard as that will be for me, I am not a safety net for him.  He jumped from one serious relationship to another one before the old one was even done with, and me, I am on my own, my situation has drastically changed and I need to embrace it, I need to truly move on, I have come to realize that as long as this other woman is in the picture, my ex and I can't be friends.  And it hurts me so much that he is choosing this horrible person that treats him far worse than I ever treated him, over a friendship with me.

I lost... :-(

It has been exactly a month since I last wrote.  I moved about 2 weeks ago, just into the unit next door from my old place but it is a place of my own and I'm not living with my ex, so that is something.  He is officially in a new relationship with one of his coworkers, Erin, and she has practically moved herself right in with him (he is still in our old unit).  He keeps saying that he won't let her move in with him, but he has...she even has her little dog over there too.

Us being friends has kind of fizzled.  She has told him point blank that he isn't to have any kind of contact with me for fear that I will seduce him away from her.  If she is that worried about him cheating on her and/or leaving her to come back to me, than she has issues.  He has made it very clear where I stand and the fact that he doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore (and hasn't for over a year).  But he is afraid that if he goes behind her back to hang out with me and txt with me that she will find out and that she will blow up and be mad at him and cause him all sorts of stress and drama.  And when we had been hanging out I would get frustrated at him because he was so stressed about her randomly showing up or finding out that he was with me and that caused him stress and drama with me and he just couldn't take it from both sides anymore.  So of course he chose her.  :-(

We had a fight the other day and he hasn't spoken to me since.  I had tried to convince him to have the 3 of us sit down and talk and to get her to understand that she has nothing to fear from us remaining friends.  Yes, we have a history together, but it is in the past and he has made that very clear...to me at least.  Why she can't wrap her head around that concept is beyond me.  I just txted him about an hour ago asking him to come over and talk to me so I can figure out where we stand but he hasn't responded or come over yet...so I have a feeling that he has made his final decision and decided that us being friends isn't going to work out...all because he is unwilling to fight for it and to defend the idea to his new girlfriend

He has been telling me for the last month or so that he didn't want to cut me out of his life completely and that he was willing to fight for us to remain friends and that he wasn't going to let her control who his friends are...but when it really mattered and it came time for him to truly fight for our friendship...he threw in the towel...he gave in to her demands and ultimatums of her or me...he chose her...even though we hadn't really been working and thriving as a romantic couple, we still had good times together and I thought that he really did care about keeping me in his life even if it was just as a friend.

I obviously still have feelings for him and those won't go away over night, but I was willing to hide them and to just enjoy hanging out and eventually I would have found someone else and we could be truly happy for each other that we had found other people to love and to be with but he has made the choice that keeping his ex-girlfriend (a person that he doesn't see any kind of romantic future with) around wasn't worth loosing his new girlfriend who he might have a future with...

Sad and Lonely

Spent the day at home today just hanging out enjoying the rain outside.  It was really nice compared to all the heat we have had the last few weeks. One of the reasons I have stayed in the pacific northwest all these years is the weather, among other things.  I hate when we have crazy heat waves though!

I have actually been thinking though, for awhile now actually...I am tired of the family drama and I'm tired of the fact that all of my so called friends have left and want nothing to do with me.  And alot of that I'm sure is my own fault, but still.  And now that Joseph and I aren't together anymore and he is having a blast sleeping around with all these women and doesn't really seem to miss me all that much...I really have nothing truly holding me here anymore.  I have been honestly thinking about just packing me and Bessie up and leaving and not looking back.  I have experience at several large companies and so I could probably get a job easily wherever I choose to go...I just want a fresh start somewhere where no one knows me.

It really bothers me that he is just sleeping with all these people like its nothing..in the last month he has been slept with 2 girls (many times each) and now starting tomorrow he is adding another one to his growing list of whores...does he even care that him flaunting his sex life in front of me a month after we broke up is hurting me so bad!?  I don't think that he does...when we were together I dragged him down sexually and he is making up for lost time I guess.  He was the only person I have ever been with and so if he wanted something different or special than he needed to let me know...you know!?  I'm not a mind reader...I don't know that you are bored in bed unless you tell me.  And what really pisses me off is that I have been telling him for years that we needed to spice things up...I wanted to try new things and he never wanted to.  And it was always about him and his wants and needs in bed...he never seemed to care that I wasn't satisfied with our sex life either.  What I need to do is go out and start sleeping with a bunch of guys and gaining experience and figuring out exactly what I want sexually...but in order to do that you need to be able to go out and have a life and I really don't want to bring anyone home...my bed is the bed Joseph and I have shared the last 5 years and I just feel weird about sharing it with anyone else...and I know that is stupid and sentimental but I just can't get over that.

I just don't know about anything anymore...I have no idea what I want out of life...I have no idea where I am going or where I will end up and it is scary and I don't like it...

My ex is a man whore...totally out of left field...

So I was bored the other night and joined match.com....I really wish you didnt have to pay money to actually contact people on there...some of the guys were really cute and sound like the could be fun!  :-(  Stupid sites...I may as well just go out to a bar if I am going to spend money to meet guys.

My ex-boyfriend/part time roommate that is shacking up with his new girlfriend/coworker is such a man whore...after 8 1/2 years with him, I had no idea that he was like this.  Not only did he cheat on me with one of the girls he works with, he is now "dating" and shacking up with a different girl he works with and just told me tonight that he is going out with yet another one of his coworkers on Thursday!!  wtf!!!  We have only been broken up for just over a month!!!  And we have hooked up a few times in the last few weeks too (I know, I shouldn't have but you know what, I am lonely and not the type of person to just go throw myself at random guys at a bar) ...and his new "girlfriend" has no idea that he is essentially cheating on her with me and now some other girl that they work with...and he has no plans to tell her any of this...I just honestly don't know him at all anymore...if I ever truly did.

I believe him when he has told me that he only cheated on me twice in the time we were together (last summer and right before we broke up a month or so ago)...I told him that if we had any chance at being friends that I need 100% honesty from him...and he has been true to that...even when I haven't wanted him to be.

You have to know our history a bit to fully understand our relationship...we met when he was 21 and I was 18 (we are now 30 and 27).  We worked together for about 4-5 months before we started "dating" outside of work (just movies and he lived close to me so he would take me to and from work sometimes when we had similar shifts).  And then on my 19th birthday in January 2006 our relationship changed, I had checked myself into a hotel for the weekend as a treat to myself to "get away" from everyone...and Joseph stayed the weekend with me...We didn't have sex until 3 months later on his 22nd birthday, but we made the jump on my birthday weekend to more than just coworkers hanging out outside of work.  We were never truly "friends" before though and when we jumped into a relationship we never had that friendship foundation.

So now, 9 years later, we have hit rock bottom and we both decided that we need to take a break from being together while we work on just being friends, as well as work on our own personal issues that both of us have.  I won't say that it has been easy, because it has been hell some nights...knowing he is with someone else, but I still love him and I want him to be happy.  And if his man-whore ways are making him happy right now, then so be it.  I won't lie, I do hope that he will realize down the road that I am the one he wants to really be with...and maybe he will and maybe he won't...and maybe I will find someone else in the meantime that I love and want to be with more than him.  All I know for sure is that I don't want to loose him from my life and I do want us to be friends.

I don't know...I am rambling a bit...one of the things that Joseph and I had problems with in the past is that I would vent and talk his ear off about everything and I would expect him to fix my problems and essentially use him as a free psychologist...but then I wouldn't do the same for him...he was always on me about starting a journal or something, so this is me finally doing that.  I am aware that this may never actually be seen and read by anyone, but I also know that it may actually be seen and read by people, including family and friends...I am posting it here instead of on facebook because I am tired of the negative comments and such about my venting...so I am not looking for advice or judgment for what I write about on here...this is my venting space.

Been gone almost 2 years....

It has been just under 2 years since I updated this blog and alot of shit has gone down in the last 2 years of my life.

*June 2013 -- I graduated from college with 2 associates degrees, Associates in Arts and Science: Journalism and also an Associates in General Studies.

*July/August 2013 -- I stopped working at Macy's just after my 6 year anniversary there and started working as a residential housekeeper.  I was still working as a merchandiser at Michaels in the morning as well.  Also in August 2013 my boyfriend of 7 1/2 years cheated on me and we "took a break".  The break didn't last long, we were back together by Christmas.

*May 2014 -- Quit working at Michaels and being a residential housekeeper in order to work at a brand new hotel where I was supposed to be the Housekeeping Supervisor.  This was a lie, but I will get back to that later.

*July 4, 2014 -- Found out that my boyfriend cheated on me (again) with a new coworker and we broke up (again).  He then hooked up with yet another coworker...

That leads me to now.  Due to lack of financial stability on both of our parts, my ex-boyfriend and I are still living together (he sleeps either on the couch or in the spare room on a futon).  That is, when he stays here, the second coworker that he hooked up with a month ago, he has been staying at her place most nights.  We are trying to maintain a friendship but it is really hard.  Even with everything that he has done and put me through, I still love him.  I know, I'm stupid and ridiculous but the heart wants what the heart wants.  Neither of us want to push the other one out of our lives and we want to be friends but I honestly don't know if that will be able to happen.  In the last month since we broke up he has opened up to me and shown me a side of himself that he hid away from me for 9 years!!  And at this point, I don't love that side of him, I love the side of him that I have known for the last 9 years.  And I honestly don't know if I will ever love that side of him...but I need to not worry about that.  When we started dating, we just sort of jumped right in and never had a true friendship and we are wanting to see if we can build that friendship now.

And back to the work thing.  I was hired to do the construction clean of the brand new hotel.  The elevator didn't work so we were hauling all of our shop-vacs and supplies up and down 6 flights of stairs and it was very physically demanding.  Then they kept pushing back the opening of the hotel because the elevators couldn't pass the final inspection...so they ended up not having us work for an entire week!  And then they passed and we had 3 days to get the hotel ready to open.  We should have been doing all that prep work the week that we didn't work because right now we are suffering for it.

There are linen closets on each floor that are supposed to have the amenities and extra towels and sheets and such...they never put shelving units in them and so the boxes of amenities are just sitting on the floors of these closets and when we need more linens and such we have to go down to the laundry room and carry in our arms what we need back to the floors that we are working on...and they are giving us about 20 rooms a day to clean if we are working by ourselves and then if we are paired up with someone we are doing between 30 and 40 rooms!!!  And they are forcing us to work 9-12 hour days 5 days a week and then trying to call us in on our days off and getting mad when we tell them no!!!  This whole place is a disaster and I really can't stay there much longer!  I am going to talk to the General Manager hopefully tomorrow and see if  I can move into a different position that is a little less hectic until I can find another job.

What really pisses me off about this job is that I was promised things during my interview (things I said were deal breakers!!!) and she said yes to everything and then I got none of it!!  Well, I guess that is not entirely true..they are forcing me to work 40+ hours a week...but they are expecting me to do the work of 2 or more people!!  It is ridiculous!!!  I have applied for about 20 different jobs in the last 24 hours and I am getting very impatient!!  ugh!!!

But on a happier note, my sister and brother in law are FINALLY expecting their first child this winter!!!  They have been trying for about 5 years or so and it finally happened!!  So very exciting...this is the best thing in my life right now!